All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I accidentally had phone sex last night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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