She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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