Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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