I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
