I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
