I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
MIDGETS
????
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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