she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
