Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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