Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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