A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?