Texts From Last Night

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  (269): View more from Michigan

  did you hook up austin?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed

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  (269): did you hook up austin? (248): No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed http://tfl.nu/3mnz
  Replies (5) Good night (1034) Bad night (1534)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.

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  (512): I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd. http://tfl.nu/ry1b
  Replies (23) Good night (732) Bad night (1456)
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.

  (951): View more from California

  sound pretty economical

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  (434): Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood. (951): sound pretty economical http://tfl.nu/xtyc
  Replies (11) Good night (3174) Bad night (689)
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  (925): View more from California

  I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs

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  (925): I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs http://tfl.nu/k9ok
  Replies (13) Good night (841) Bad night (4225)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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  (403): so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them. http://tfl.nu/j4fw
  Replies (7) Good night (7864) Bad night (1051)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.

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  (206): I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick. http://tfl.nu/yyxj
  Replies (8) Good night (1382) Bad night (4085)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  If i need to get strippers involved i will.

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  (414): If i need to get strippers involved i will. http://tfl.nu/3tx8
  Replies (17) Good night (3469) Bad night (976)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Semen is not good for contacts.

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  (727): Semen is not good for contacts. http://tfl.nu/krg1
  Replies (10) Good night (1190) Bad night (3385)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

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  (678): I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE! http://tfl.nu/ve9p
  Replies (9) Good night (2965) Bad night (907)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night

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  (301): Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night http://tfl.nu/cuhc
  Replies (2) Good night (1389) Bad night (466)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.

  (1-765): View more from Indiana

  And an everlasting friendship

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  (765): So that's all you want from me. Easy ass. (1-765): And an everlasting friendship http://tfl.nu/o4sh
  Replies (8) Good night (1920) Bad night (646)
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Wear something tight

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  (361): Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick" (517): Wear something tight http://tfl.nu/ryqo
  Replies (1) Good night (739) Bad night (377)
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.

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  (831): I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it. http://tfl.nu/3v3l
  Replies (2) Good night (226) Bad night (560)
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.

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  (337): Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you. http://tfl.nu/l52y
  Replies (4) Good night (278) Bad night (403)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.

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  (305): I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding. http://tfl.nu/iw0s
  Replies (2) Good night (305) Bad night (156)

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