My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
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Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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