I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
