I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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