Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
