dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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