Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
