Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
