we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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