There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
