I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
