Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
