You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Randomize
