Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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