You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
