How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
being pregnant is like rehab
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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