I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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