I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
