We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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