The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
