Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
