Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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