Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
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She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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