Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You are the jesus of drinking
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
