no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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