when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
