I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
