halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
