new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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