I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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