apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
