i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
