I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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