help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
