I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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