I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Found your dick twin last night
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
