When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
