Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
