Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
