Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
