I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
