ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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