Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
