If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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