...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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