I will die if light touches me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
