Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The power of my boobs compel you
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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