Your dad touched me again.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
