best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I will pee on everything he values.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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