Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
