do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
