I wish I could punch you in the face.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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