Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
